When I was at the retreat of which I wrote last week, in one of our small discussion groups, someone was talking about her particular pain she was currently working through. And almost to a woman, the response was "oh that's so awful. It would be so much easier if you at least knew why." Or something to that effect. We all often think things like that. Cancer...why? Untimely death...why? War...why? Job loss...why? Miscarriage...why? Divorce...why? AIDS...why? A wayward child...why? For me, the particular pain was infertility.
I was 34 when I got married and my husband and I conceived right away, having our first daughter nine months and four days after our marriage. So, we were a little surprised and a little frustrated when we did not conceive again though we tried. We did eventually go back to the doctor and eventually a fertility specialist. No, they never did figure out what was "wrong." They never did figure out whether it was him, me, both of us...whatever. But lots of people asked. (Isn't that bizarre?) Whenever we face pain, our first task is to set about discovering who or what caused the pain. Then we take the requisite aspirin, or get the MRI, or go to a counsellor or whatever will fix the problem. I saw this all the time as a personal injury lawyer. Clients were forever trying to blame someone for an accident, or for some situation that stunk, or for whatever ailed them. It was really unpopular to tell them that sometimes life just stinks and things happen that no one would wish upon their worst enemy and it is really pointless to try to find someone to blame. This position made me neither popular nor rich.
During the trial of infertility, I often got mad at God. And I often asked why. Truth be told, I thought some ugly things during those dark days...why not someone else. Why us? There were times when I was so mad...it didn't even matter at whom my anger was directed...sometimes myself, sometimes my husband, sometimes anyone who asked about it. I frequently wrote about my frustration and asked vis a vis my journal: "why? It would be so much easier if we knew why we had to go through this." So you can imagine my surprise when in the midst of one of my temper tantrums, out of the darkness, I heard a still, small, gentle, patient voice asking me "would it really be better if you knew why? What makes you think it would be easier to go through this trial if you knew why?" And then the Lord took me to a garden wherein stood two trees, the Tree of Life and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.
Genesis 1: 8 Now the LORD God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. 9 And the LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
15 The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 16 And the LORD God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."
This sounds pretty simple. Here is a wonderful garden, Adam and Eve. You are free to eat from any tree in the garden, including the Tree of Life. But DO NOT EAT FROM THE TREE OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL. ON THE DAY YOU EAT OF IT, YOU WILL DIE.
One rule. And, of course, what is the one thing they cannot resist doing? We know the rest of the story.
1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"
2 The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 3 but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' "
4 "You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. 5 "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."
6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.
So she ate of it, gave some to Adam, and then they had an encounter with God. And there were consequences.
16 To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."
17 To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,' "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. 18. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. 19 By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return."
Beloved, our mother ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and it brought guilt, shame and death. Why? Because she believed a serpentine lie that [her] eyes [would] be opened, and [she would] be like God, knowing good and evil." She ate from that forbidden Tree because she "saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom." She, too, wanted a wisdom that was not hers to receive. Eve wanted a knowledge which was not hers to acquire.
Eve could have eaten from the Tree of Life, but she chose not to. She could have eaten from any other tree, but she chose to eat from a forbidden tree, a Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and it brought her not the life and wisdom, the knowledge and perspective she desired; it brought her death.
Beloved, after that visit to the Garden, I stopped asking the why about our infertility. In fact, through the subsequent trials and testings of life, I have tried hard to not park too long at that place of "why." Instead, through tears, through pain, yes, through bewilderment even, I have chosen to go back to the Tree of Life, find my refuge there and reaching up, I eat of its fruit.
I suppose that some would see this as a rather simplistic way of dealing with pain. Perhaps. But it is far better than banging my head against a wall of brass. Fair enough, sometimes we may need to ask the why. Regardless we almost always need to ask the "what do I need to learn" question. And above all, we need to eat the fruit of the Tree of Life, which without fail, brings us...well, life.
Life is so full of pain and trials. I do not say this glibly. Even now, I travail through a measure of confusion and some pain. I find that my desire now is not so much to know why. My desire now is to reach up to the Tree of Life, which oddly enough looks much like a cross, find shelter there, and eat my fill of the good fruit.
Psalm 34: 8 Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
If you are one currently traversing through a journey of pain, my heart goes out to you. If you are one who cries through the darkness, asking why, I extend His love to you. May you find your refuge in Him. May you find your peace in the shadow of the Tree of Life. May you lean into Him and eat of the fruit on that tree. May you find your fill in the abundance of His household. Amen
